Wednesday, October 10, 2012

New Projects, Poor Judgements and Inner Determination

I honestly haven't forgotten this blog. Things have been a little busy with both dancing and life that have my full attention right now. Tribal classes have been going very well and I began learning my first choreography under the new instructor. It's a fun piece and one that I have seen performed by the group I'm with in the past. It's a very slow and graceful piece. It's something I look forward to performing come the formal and nonformal student recitals. Looks like the nonformal recital may be sometime at the beginning of the year where the formal will be some time in the spring. Regardless, I am excited to present my first learned choreography when the time comes.

I've been working on costuming ideas and a new solo choreography that times out to about 6 minutes. It's a fun piece that I hope to perform sometime next year or the year after depending on the venue. The hair falls that I have been working on have been coming along nicely as well. I already have a few people asking me to do a tutorial and/or a mini workshop at a future hafla event, including my instructor. I can't tell you how much that made my day.

This last Sunday some of the local dancers met in Hanford to do a drum circle where the renaissance faire was to be held this last weekend. It was cancelled due to a vendor issue along with financial reasons. So about 12 of us showed to drum while a few danced. It was a lot of fun and we had a few groups of people hang out near us to enjoy the circle while other groups came and went. Overall it was a fun day and I was thanked for orchestrating the event. I never really thought of myself being in charge. I mainly thought it was a cool idea to get together and drum. So to have people thank me afterward for organizing the event caught me off guard and touched me. It was a wonderful feeling and a great experience.

I've also begun prepping for the Kearney Renaissance Faire that will be taking place November 10-11th. Currently, renaissance faires are the only performances that I can participate in until my knowledge of the tribal style is firmly under by belt. I'm actually happy with that arrangement as it will allow me time to learn the style thoroughly before being expected to perform at the yearly Rogue show in town as well as other events throughout the year that will get my drumming and zill skills honed. The only few events I would be expected to perform at would be for renaissance faires for the improv dancing and drumming, not to mention the formal and nonformal student recitals that were brought up earlier.

I've been spending the last few weeks reflecting how I got to where I am. Some of it was help from unknown forces, some of it was strength to do what needed to be done from past experiences, and some was inspired by someone who urged me to go above and beyond. I'm hearing every now and then that I am being brought up in conversation, and most of the time it is in a negative way. Am I hurt by this? Not at all, just a little disappointed that people are being childish in their ways, but it's actually flattering as it shows that people have no life and they feel they have to talk about someone who is no longer in the picture. Rumors are starting to go around about the situation that happened 4 months ago and the more they spread the more they become further from the truth. I've had people come up to me who don't know about this blog to ask me what happened. They ask because they don't believe the rumors and because they have gotten to know who I am. They know that I am not the kind of person to take attention away from others or be out for myself. I do what is best for me just like everyone else does when situations arise that make things difficult. I told these people the truth without dropping names or going into detail because they really don't need to know all my reasons or thoughts on matters. I was unhappy with things and I had hit a point where I wanted to learn something new under the advice I was given by a friend who meant a lot to me prior to their passing. I left under my own decision. It's true that I have been banned from ever returning to the previous group I was with, but that ban came a month after I decided to leave. The only thing that had changed after I made the decision was that someone just came to lock the door after I had left. But I am not sad about that. It's not something I wanted to see happen, but I'm not sad.

I now have new opportunities opening up to me that were not really available before. I found several people who wish to promote a healthy bellydance community and they encourage students to attend workshops and additional classes without anyone taking offense or allowing hate to be generated because someone wanted to be more involved in things. I've had a few of my ideas tossed around on some creative possibilities by others and asked to post tutorials on some costuming and hair falls. My ideas on things matter with the people I am now with and it's a great feeling to feel wanted and welcomed. I partially regret that things happened the way that they did because no one did the adult thing and approached me once my blog was found, but that is on those people, not me. I don't regret it because this blog is about me and my decisions on how to handle this part of my life, including my experience that someone may learn something from for their own reference guide. Students will always come and go, but it's no ones place to judge someone for wanting to expand their skills and get away from something that doesn't feel right anymore or stay around the negativity that was brewing under the surface. Bottom line is, I am much happier where I am now because I feel like I belong.

One thing that some people will never accept, based on their own assumptions, is that I am not out to undermine anyone. People undermine themselves without any help from others and I only step back and allow them to do so without being brought down with them. Only the insecure will attack those who are confident in themselves. I don't care what plans are being made for shows in a group that I am no longer a part of. It doesn't concern me nor do I care to know. If something slips, I don't pass it along. I never shared info when things did pop out into the open when I was with the previous group if I overheard or saw something, so why would that change now?

For those who are from that group that are spreading lies and reading this, you should know that your ugly side is showing and people are noticing. I have never shoved anyone out of the way during a performance or rehearsal to be front and center on stage. I thought this would be clear by the fact that I was never quick to take the front stage. I was placed there most of the time by the instructor, not because I felt I deserved to be there. I have never pressured anyone to do anything against their will. I have advised people to bring up their concerns to the person it involved because of the continued complaints, but I never pushed anyone to do so. I do not seek to undermine a student or instructor (past or present), never have and never will. I don't think I am better than anyone else and I do not claim to be other than stating that I do take responsibility for my short comings and do what I can to improve those mistakes without blaming others for something that I was fully responsible of, especially when it's something that is brought to my attention that I was at fault for. There are very few people in that dance group who really know me and I can guarantee that no one in the class that I was in is considered part of the few. I kept to myself most of the time so no one really knows me in that class.

So a warning to those who are spreading rumors or lies about me, people who have gotten to know me already know you are lying as your lies conflict with what people already understand about me. You are only shooting yourself in the foot because when the time comes for you to try another group, those people would be less likely to trust you because you have placed yourself in the middle of something that you never belonged in regarding my decision.

My advice to you is mind your own business and pull your nose out of what I had decided or what I am currently doing. It's not your place to judge nor does my decision to leave affect/concern you in any way save for having one less person in your group. Focus on yourself for once and work on your flaws instead of focusing on someone who is no longer around. If you honestly have a problem with me, then approach me to discuss whatever problem you have. But understand that you are being a coward by not coming up to me to deal with your issue and choose to try to make matters worse by trying to turn people against me by fabricating something that never happened or a matter that doesn't concern them. I don't need to explain myself to anyone and the only person I answer to is me. So get off your high horse and leave me out of your conversations because you don't have anything better to do.

With that being said, I hope those who are in a similar situation that I am in understands that you have a right to do what is best for you regardless of what others my think or feel. You only answer to yourself and you don't need to be brought down by people who feel threatened by you or want to bring you down to make themselves feel like they are worth more than they are. You are the only person who is pushing yourself to continue learning a beautiful art. You are the one who makes the decision on where you want to go and when it's time to try something knew. If you are in an atmosphere that isn't agreeing with your personal growth, go someplace else that you feel you will flourish without feeling guilty about it. You are learning bellydancing for you and you alone. You are not there to impress anyone. You are there to encourage something you have inside of you that shouldn't be dampened by anything or anyone. Embrace your strength and pity those who only know how to stir up drama because they are the ones who are missing out on something that inspires someone to be more than what they are. You are there to learn for your benefit, not someone else's.

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